The Locker Room

Whats everyone doing man!!!!

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. C.I.D. is already there. "What happened?" asks the first officer. "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Sugar Puffs yesterday, and Weetos last week?" "You're right" said the detective, "I'm afraid this is the work of a cereal killer."

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smile…

A true story from Darren Harvey, a Section Officer in Blackpool:- "I work as an SO in Blackpool and the Tower has at the top a strobe light that whizzes around the outside of the upper viewing platform at night, going around once every few seconds. One evening an old lady approached me and my colleague and asked what it was for. My friend advised her it was the night watchman doing his rounds. As policemen never tell fibs she accepted this and went on her way. Half an hour later she was back. Very seriously she said, "He ain't half quick, ain't he?"

Real-life speeding excuses that didn't quite cut it... "I needed to get to the petrol station before the fuel runs out" "I was hurrying to the petrol station before they ran out of free glasses" "I'm a research physicist trying to prove Einstein's theory of relativity" "Thank heavens officer, I thought the flashing blue light chasing me was a UFO" "My shoes have just been resoled and I'm not used to the extra weight on the pedal" "I was in a complete daze because I've got a new air freshener in my car" "I'm a member of the Royal Family" "I was trying to get away from the car following me" "These 'go faster' stripes really do work then" …

This has been an invaluable guide to me...... alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend") assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day") branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?") cort a panda - A rather large hamburger dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff") eye-eels - Women's shoes Furrock - The location of Lakeside …

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation syst…

I should introduce myself, seeing as we're related. N_T, a brother from the Army (if you haven't seen Casino Royale then I apologise, and I'll just say hello) I'll get me coat...ninja_turtle2006-12-30 00:36:42

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6215795.stm 'Dirty bomb' police numbers rise The Home Office said current suits would be replaced The government is increasing the number of police officers trained to deal with chemical, biological or radiation "dirty bombs", the BBC has learned. Manufacturers are bidding to supply 12,000 personal protection suits to the Home Office, to be worn by UK police. Only 7,000 officers - about 5% of the total - are so far trained to deal with such attacks, but the Home Office could not say how many more will be trained. A spokeswoman said the move was not in response to any specific threat. …

Shamelessly 'Borrowed' from elswhere but quite good. (I Think) I wanted to send you a holiday greeting, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my Solicitor yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of…

The sikh sixteen year old from Edinburgh who claimed he was attacked by four white youths, and had his hair cut off, has now admitted that he had done it himself. I hope the 200 sikhs who carried out a protest at the time, are just as quick to apolgise for the remarks they made at the time. I doubt if they will be as quick at apologising, as they were to protest, but we can all live in hope.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/231/231844_blears_accused_of_hypocrisy_over_nhs_changes.html Friday, 29th December 2006 Blears accused of hypocrisy over NHS changes FUTURE: Blears. CABINET minister Hazel Blears is facing accusations of hypocrisy after joining protests against the closure of the maternity unit of a hospital in her constituency. The Labour Party chairman insisted yesterday that she supported the Government's plans to "reconfigure" services in the NHS but said that this should not stop her from opposing a particular closure as a constituency MP. But Conservatives invited her to join their campaign about what they sa…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk Its so funny! I want a baby.....

A Det Constable with Grampian Police has been found guilty of assaulting his wife, he tried to throttle her on more than one occasion. He has been told to expect a custodial sentence.

Courtroom Quotations The following quotations are taken from official court records across the nation, showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law, so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity. '+'IPT>> Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?" Witness: "I only have one, you know." Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?" Witness: "By death." Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?" Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found gu…