The Locker Room

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb". Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. Coca-Cola was originally green. It is impossible to lick your elbow. The average number of people airborne over the US any give…

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome aboard Flight #293, nonstop from NY to LA. The weather ahead is good which should make for a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. We'll be.......OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed. After a few minutes, the Captain got back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. During my announcement, one of the Flight Attendants accidently spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants." A passenger in coach yelled back.........…

In order to provide you, the customer, with the best possible service, we ask that you take a few minutes to complete this critique. 1. During your arrest were you advised of your rights in a timely manner? ___ Yes ___ No ___ What rights? 2. If your attitude at the time of arrest required the use of force, how would you rate the application of said force? ___ Too much ___ Not enough ___ Just right 3. If an arrest warrant was used during your arrest, what type was it? ___ Consensual ___ Court ordered ___ Police ordered 4. When you were handcuffed, how would you rate their use? ___ Too tight ___ Not tight enough ___ Too loose ___ Not loose enough _…

Thought of the day I've just been sent the below by a friend in one of those email type 'round robins'. We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration! Truncheon38876.7020949074

Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1) TRY SAYING: I th…

Just finished reading a fantastic book. 'Photographing Fairies' by Steve Szilagyi. Forget the film, the book is nothing like the film which came out in the 1990s. Don't let the title put you off, it is a rollercoaster of a plot. Even includes a Police Constable . One to not bother with, 'Empress Orchid' PANTS, PANTS, PANTS.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A COP: 1. You need at least 8 hours of sleep every night. 2. Sirens give you a headache. 3. You can't drive really fast, check a licence plate on your in-car computer, talk on the radio, and drink coffee, all at the same time. 4. When you see trouble brewing, your first reaction is to call 911. 5. When you get nervous, you have to pee, so you secretly wear adult diapers, just in case it's going to be a busy night. 6. You're being called for back-up, but you don't go because it's too dangerous. 7. At the scene of a riot, you refuse to get out of the car until the crowd thins out. 8. A woman gives b…

http://uk.rd.yahoo.com/oa/*http://uk.download.yahoo.com/pr/f u/oa/duistop.wmv Aren't you just glad that we have breathboxes

Last night, after completing a rather busy and gruelling 11 hour shift I arrived home feeling somewhat hyperactive and jolly, so instead of going to bed at midnight I thought "I know, lets see what's on TV" only to flick onto live coverage of the Le Mans 24hr race (Doh!). I stayed up until 0430hours when I decided maybe I should get some sleep…I am now paying for it… <?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> So I was wondering guys and girls, What IS the worst/silliest/daft etc thing you have done before a shift??? To add -i beleive this really isn't the worst thing I have done - but it is close! CNAP38886.7133333333

In the annual honor given to the person who improved the "gene pool" the most by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this year are............. * IN Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. * A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run. * Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said …

The following is an article written by Polly Toynbee, journalist & broadcaster, that was published in the November 2004 newsletter of the Association of University Teachers. It's about her frustrations when reading academic work. I wonder how much of it will strike chords with this forum's readers. Quote:- 'Sometimes you just want to throw the book across the room. I have just been attempting to read an academic work that shall remain nameless. It is ostensibly on a very important subject that goes to the heart of British life, but it is incomprehensible, unreadable and, I suspect, almost entirely meaningless. It has quotations (Spilikin, Hiccup et al) from o…

A young couple were making love in a transit van which was decked out with all the works, carpet water matress the lot. After a while the girl shout whip me big boy whip me. Not to let this go amiss and showing excelent initiative the gent jumps out pulls the aerial off and give the girl a good spanking and they collapse in a sado masochistic heap. A few days later, the welts on the girls bum are going septic so she swallows her pride and goes to see a doctor. The doctor examines her and before she can offer an explanation states "madam you appear to have had kinky sex in the back of a commercial vehicle" "how on earth did you know that she cries" the doc look…

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around B&Q when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's lo…

BRITAIN’S biggest fun park has sparked a race row — with a MUSLIMS-ONLY day. Up to 28,000 are expected at Alton Towers on September 17 when there will be no music, booze or gambling. Instead there will be prayer areas, Muslim stalls and all food served will be HALAL. Organisers Islamic Leisure have billed it the First National Muslim Fun Day and tickets can only be bought through their website. Non-Muslims phoning the Staffordshire park have been refused tickets. One, George Hughes, 19, who rang up for 15 tickets for a pal’s birthday, said: “I couldn’t believe it. “It’s the only day we can go, yet I can’t because I’m not Muslim. Can you imagine all the fuss if…

Hi all. Tongue Twisters huh? We all encounter them sometime, and let me tell you they are very embarrassing, when a slight slip of the tongue is involved! Hence the name! Well I cant say I'm very good at them, because I'd be lying if I did! Another way of 'slipping of the tongue'! Anyway if you know any good 'uns please make sure you slip them on .......oops sorry, I mean post them! Here are a few........enjoy twisting.......and ....erm...slipping!! Funny Tongue Twisters These funny tongue twisters are difficult to say and may be a little dirty if you say them wrong. I slit the sheet - the sheet I slit - and on the slitted sheet I sit…