The Locker Room

Many newspapers run a section where readers ask obscure questions, the answers to which are supplied by other readers. Can anyone help with this one ? Is it possible to get sunburn, or even better, a suntan, on the soles of your feet? I have been sunbathing on my back, with soles pointed to the sun, and can see no colour change whatsoever. The same question might be asked about the palms of ones hands but I can never keep them to the sun long enough.

A man who had just died is delivered to the funeral directors wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The funeral director asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the funeral director a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a su…

Last week I was diagnosed as being 55% deaf in both ears, high pitched tones 80%+, background noise 85%+, its a shock! I am the usual bloke, wife forced me to the Doctors etc etc, Its a 2 year waiting list for hearing aides they cost the NHS £60 each. So how does this stand me in the job I have not told a soul. I am currently in training ( after 16 years panda pedalling) and it's being noticed I can't hear whats going on in a noisy group. Ear pieces are a no no by the way So things have come to a head where do I stand? No sympathy! I am not claiming etc! I retire 30/05/2016.

Will say nutthink that would id me in cos I rote on a hot topic page and dont want no one to no who I am from those who are looking! Have to work 'nother 10 years for my pension - and don't want moving at the moment! Need the Girl with the white shoes saymore?

http://www.modoracle.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=4213& PN=1&TPN=1

From the Spectator 05/08/06:- Politics The soggy consensus of our times is about the very future of Western civilisation Stephen Pollard The image of Tony Blair and David Cameron exchanging frilly skirts and pearls is certainly arresting, but the Prime Minister’s reference in California last weekend to rampant cross-dressing was, disappointingly, political. For all the comment that his remarks have engendered, however, we have been here before. When the Economist coined the term ‘Butskellism’ in 1954, it was simply observing that, as Gaitskell wrote after being succeeded by Butler as chancellor, the Conservatives ‘have really done exactly wha…

Hi all. I like joined 10 days ago, but dropping by in this forum now to say hello! I havent joined the force, and wont be able to any time soon (family problems) but I can only hope and keep my fingers crossed! A big Hello to everybody and good luck who ever joins. Wish for me also that I can do what I want to do, before its too late for me. Outie xxx Maxii38883.7609722222

I joined today after reading the story about Mr Baker in my local paper, the Colchester Evening Gazette. I am a retired officer and keep in touch with some still serving Essex officers. I often ask them how things are going and have been surprised that none of them seem happy with the way things are going in Essex! After reading through the "Mr Baker" thread, most of the complaints my ex collegues have made are outlined here! A relation of mine was arrested a few months ago and I was not pleased with the way they were processed, and the fact they were kept in custody longer than I felt they should have been. I tried to complain to the custody sgt, but he would n…

FEMALE PRAYER Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. Amen. MALE PRAYER I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs, who owns a liquor store and a golf cou…

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco…

Situational Awareness Scenario You are driving in a car at a constant speed.On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer below Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you fool!! ........ You're drunk!!!

I would like to announce the first birth of this year on my farm. Ewe Z15 gave birth to twin lambs at 0530 and 0540 today, both delivered by me. There is one ram lamb and one ewe lamb and they are both healthy (no, girls, I don't know their weights but they are a good size). I can now go to bed.

I feel so guilty being horrible to people in my last topic 'Eat this you heteros' I have decided to devote myself to the comforting of all you poor Police Officers and Staff by offering my services as an Agony Aunt. What ever your problem, do not suffer alone, Aunty Outrageous is there with you. To advise you. What ever is troubling you, be it work, relationships, nattarjack toads stuck in your toilet, let Aunty Outrageous know, he has the answer.